You know that something is wrong, deep down, you admit to yourself that that swirling gnawing feeling that alternates between the pit of your gut and the raging torrent in your head; something ain’t right McGee. You can fob family and friends off only so often with excuses like “I’m just having a day… nothing to worry about” after all “your day” has lasted a week so far and it’s just getting darker and longer. You can try and fob off your friends that you missed the gathering of the year because you had to finish a project by a deadline and it’s dropped on you at the last minute. The fact that the deadline you have to meet is trying to make it through one more night without those thoughts acted on that could put you in the Emergency Room or worse.
When you finally realise that all of the excuses in the world aren’t going to get you out of a jamb this time. You have to ultimately choose where to try and start the most laborious mission of your life so far, a mission that is, quite possibly, going to last for the rest of your life. It’s those happy thoughts that make you want to get to a real crossroad and rather than heading left or right, reverse a mile or so and run as fast as you can towards the huge brick wall facing the junction and not bother with the brakes.
I want to offer you a sliver of hope.
Just a chink of light in that permanent black sky you see about now.
I want to tell you. It WILL get better, and that chink in the clouds will get bigger and bigger with each bold step forward you take, the next step may not be ahead, but you will have learnt something to be used towards the next successful step you take. Open your eyes just a little to the possibility that while your head and heart are currently as dense as lead, someone or something is coming soon to help you with your full burden. You won’t see it coming, and
it is going to be tough at times to understand that it is getting better every day.
Now, by this point, you are sick of all the clichés and self-help book crap.
To be frank so am I and I am writing it down. What I would like to say to you that every word that you have just read has been uttered at least ten times each from some well-wishers and morale booster that accompanied me along my journey to being where I am at right now. It is frustrating as hell to call for help and be told to take a walk or take a hot bath. If relieving depression or any mental health problem would be solved by taking a walk or a bath then the world would be full of Unicorns crapping Rainbows all over the shop.
I have friends who prescribe to the strict love school of Mental Health management; you know the type: PULL YOUR SOCKS UP, JUST GET ON WITH IT, BUCK UP YOUR IDEAS, MAN.
All helpful when all you really feel like saying and doing is pulling their socks up over their head and buck up the idea that they thought you could get over by just getting on with harming yourself (and them) with the nearest heavy implement.
What I do want to let you know is that I personally know from my own life, that most of that cliched mambo jumbo will help in one way or another. It is going to sound so patronising when you are in the deepest depths of blackness, and people really do (on the whole) feel that their words are offered in support and kindness. You want answers and a solution to your problem when you are crying out for help, but unfortunately, there really is no safe quick fix for fighting with a 200lb black dog sitting on your shoulder, you have to tickle that dog until it falls asleep again and you
can move forward into the sun light.
What I am suggesting is that in your daily life make up a “memory bank account” of all of the advice you are given or have worked out for yourself, tips and tricks that help you through each dark day. You can do this by making a mood diary or just make a mood board to put up around the house somewhere. Don’t rely on knowing what you should do from memory, because in the throws of a low mood or crisis you won’t remember diddlers about what works to make you feel better.
Make up a daily action plan for things that you should do (within reason) during your bad times. It can be something as simple as 4 or 5 things that you could do to help make your day better. Maybe it’s something as trivial as washing your hair, reading a chapter or two of a book, going to visit a friend for a cup of tea and a chat. It can also be something more complex, like planning a project that will take more time than any ordinary task.
The one thing and one rule that I will always suggest is that there should be absolutely no pressure to do anything unless you feel that you can mentally and physically do it safely. There is not point in forcing yourself to go out into town whilst you are in the throws of an anxiety attack just because you told yourself first thing in the morning that that is what you HAD to achieve today. Your body and emotions can change in the blink of an eye. If you need to break a meeting or miss out on an appointment, that too is OK. If it is all too much, take a step back in your safe space and get yourself feeling well again. Find that person to talk too. Reach out wherever you feel you will get the best support, family, friends Facebook or Twitter. They are all valid places that have helped me in the past and if your support networks are a little more diverse that they norm, that’s good if it works for you.
Everything considered, the one takeaway I would suggest that you take from this overlong post, is that do what is right for you and worry about the rest of the world when you feel up to tackling that. You will make choices that are not in your best interest when you are in an altered mind set through Anxiety or Depression or whatever crappy thing you are dealing with at the time.
Love you first then love the world when you can.